“The Marriage Sabbatical: The Journey That Brings You home”
Cheryl Jarvis
Perseus Publishing
2001
ISBN: 0-7382-0339-4 more info/ordering
BACK TO BOOKS PAGE
The marriage sabbatical?
Hmmm.
Maybe you’re just not as skeptical as I am. However, I have to admit I approached this book with skepticism. I mean, look at the title: “The Marriage Sabbatical.” Isn’t that something that people who don’t want to be married ask for – time away, more space, a chance to do my own thing?
Skepticism aside, I enjoyed this book and I began to question some of my traditional thoughts about marriage immediately. Of course, it doesn’t take much to do that. Not when for at least 20 years 50 percent of new marriages in America fail. Whatever traditional ideas and conceptions we’ve had about marriage need a serious second examination because clearly something isn’t working. Cheryl Jarvis suggests that for some individuals and marriages a sabbatical might be an answer.
Not the answer, mind you, just an answer.
The word sabbatical, Jarvis reminds us, comes from the word Sabbath – a day of rest from our labors. She defines sabbatical as a time for regeneration and renewal. There has been, she argues, no paradigm for a woman leaving home for a while for personal growth. However, that paradigm has long existed for men. The advantages of a sabbatical in academia and business are widely understood; it’s a time to develop one’s mind, focus one’s creativity; renew physically and spiritually. All of which is accepted if you’re a man or an academician.
The presumption in our society is that when we find our soul mate and marry that person, he or she is all we need for emotional fulfillment. That presumption doesn’t seem to work so well these days. Jarvis offers the marriage sabbatical as a way to satisfy some of what ails the contemporary marriage. It’s not a universal panacea, she writes, “…but it is one way to embrace both sides of life.”
The idea for a marriage sabbatical, and this book, grew out of her own conflicts between her love for her husband and children and her need to leave her husband and write. When she got married, like so many newly weds, she had never stopped to think about how much time she needed alone.
In the book she tells the stories of her own sabbatical along with those of several other women. Never was it a case of wishing to slip quietly out of a marriage or to take a lover. The women whose stories she relates serve as prime examples of how a sabbatical can serve to rejuvenate a marriage, achieve a healthy sense of detachment or provide a time for personal growth.
Many couples, Jarvis suggests, separate and divorce when what they perhaps needed more than permanent detachment was a time to be temporarily apart to regenerate and find new meanings in their marriage.
What kind of impact will this have on children?
“The real source of inequity on the home front,” Jarvis writes, “is that women are over-involved with their children.” Getting away from children, especially if those children are adolescents might be good for them and it often forces fathers to play a more active role in children’s lives at a time when a father’s time is desperately needed.
Although I approached this book with skepticism, I came away from it with the idea that a sabbatical could be a healthy answer for many families in which relationships are in need of reinvigoration and renewal.
"Fatherneed: Why Father Care is as Essential as Mother Care for Your Child"
Kyle D. Pruett
Broadway Books, 2001
more info/ordering
Dr. Kyle Pruett has written a book that should be required reading for any mother or father.
Why is that?
Because this book lays out the arguments for the importance of fathers in the lives of children in meticulous fashion, carefully stressing the research that supports his conclusions.
If ever a society needed to hear Pruett's important messages about the vital role of fathers, it's ours. Consider what we have in America: A consistently high level of divorce; a relatively high number (20 percent) of high-conflict post-divorce relationships between co-parents; a high degree of father absence after divorce; and general bias against fathers as care-givers. For these reasons, Pruett's book "Fatherneed," is a dose of fatherreality which I believe our nation needs to heed.
And that's what Pruett, a psychiatrist, a Yale University Child Study Center professor and a father himself, gives to the reader. "Fatherneed" explains what it is that children need from their fathers, why fathers have such a profound influence on their children's lives, and why mothers should strongly encourage fathers and children to have a positive connection. This book gives the view of fatherneed from both the parent and the kid point of view.
The research that Pruett presents persuasively reinforces the argument that children need fathers who are "positively engaged" in their lives. This is where this book differs from other recent books about fathers. Some books have simply looked at what happens to children when fathers are either absent or present. Pruett goes beyond that and looks specifically at what the outcomes are for children when fathers are positively engaged in the lives of their children. Additionally, he gives details about research he's been involved in following the children of families where fathers have been the primary caretakers.
The outcomes in terms of healthy development when fathers are primary caregivers or are actively and positively involved in their roles as father are impressive. Those outcomes include children who are more securely attached to the important people in their lives; are more empathic towards others; are less impulsive and have better self-control; show higher conformity to rules; display intellectual advantages; have fewer school behavior problems; and are less likely to drop out of school.
These are just the benefits to children. Furthermore, Pruett points out that there are wonderful benefits to both fathers themselves and mothers when fathers are involved in their children's lives. For one thing, when fathers are more positively engaged in caring for their children, there is higher marital satisfaction and marriages tend to thrive with men exhibiting more compassion and understanding.
Pruett is as convincing in this book as he is in his workshops and presentations. There are so many reasons for fathers to be involved caregivers for children that it is no longer a question as to whether fathers should be more involved. The question is how do we ensure that more fathers meet their own and their children's fatherneeds.
Behind the Smile: My Journey out of Postpartum Depression”
Marie Osmond with Marcia Wilkie and Dr. Judith Moore
Warner Books 2001
ISBN: 446-52776-9 more info/ordering
BACK TO BOOKS PAGE
From the time Marie Osmond, the lone girl in the Osmond family entertainment empire, was a toddler, she was showing off her smile and her talent on any and every stage. And more recently, for the last several years, the Donny and Marie Show has been a talk-show hit on national TV five days a week.
Through out the years, Marie was the pretty, smiling, congenial professional who was successful at everything she did on TV, on stage, on recordings and in concert performances. But at age 41, Marie gave birth to her sixth child (she also has an adopted child). Soon afterwards, articles appeared in the tabloids announcing that she was depressed and even suicidal. Some stories revealed that she was leaving her husband Brian, after 17 years of marriage.
Marie Osmond, however, despite her public status as an entertainer had always regarded herself as a private person. When the tabloids started running stories of her depression, she tried to shelter her family from the glare of the media. But, as she writes in this personal account of her postpartum depression, her illness wouldn’t allow her to remain a private person. Whether she liked it or not, she was a celebrity and there was no guarding her private life when there was a juicy story to be told.
Since she couldn’t keep the story of her postpartum depression a family secret, she decided to do the next best thing. And that was to face it head on. First, she went on Oprah and later Larry King Live and other TV shows to talk about her postpartum depression. Finally, she wrote this Marie Osmond-view of what it’s like to be a public figure and suffer privately from a severe depression.
She writes that by “choosing to make public this very private part of my life, I can call attention to the common plea of the women who have written to me and give more of a voice to those who suffer with postpartum depression.” Co-authored with Marcia Wilkie, a professional writer, and her own doctor, Marie describes her life from the age of three and later gives a very personal account of what postpartum depression feels like.
Even though she is a veteran performer who has always prided herself on being ready to do a show no matter what was going on in her personal life, her postpartum depression was overwhelming to her. She could not keep up with the daily rigors of the show. And it did cause problems in her marriage. Although her separation from Brian is glossed over in this book, they were apart for six months before reconciling.
The strength of the book is her vivid description of what it’s like to experience the harrowing, alienating depression following the birth of a baby. The book clearly portrays the effect of depression on an individual known in her industry for her hard work and professionalism. However, it was the Osmond work ethic that was singled out as one of the factors that contributed to her depression after the birth of Matthew. She says that she grew up with a personal philosophy that she had been only marginally aware of until she struggled with her postpartum depression recovery. That philosophy was put this way in the book: “I am here to make sure that everyone else is happy. It’s my job.”
Then, too, there was the strong model of her own mother, who gave birth to 9 children. Marie notes that part of the shame of her depression was related to not being strong like her mother. It was only when she began to talk to her family about her depression that her mother confessed for the first time that she, too, had dealt with postpartum depression.
She also faults aspects of our society, such as hospitals and insurance companies. New mothers, she says, are discharged too soon after giving birth. Most, she adds, need the 5 to 7 days that mothers used to get to rest in the hospital before managed care took over the health care industry.
Her doctor, a woman who had helped Marie before, recommended that she get psychological help with her emotional issues. Dr. Moore, who contributes a chapter, is an osteopathic doctor who believes in “natural healing.” Unfortunately, a theme that runs throughout this book, both by Marie and Dr. Moore is that herbal and natural remedies are preferred over commonly prescribed medications. There is, however, little or no research to support this approach to the treatment of postpartum depression.
But, aside from this caveat, “Behind the Smile: My Journey out of Postpartum Depression” is a personal, often touching account of one celebrity’s experience with postpartum depression. Because it’s an easy read with some helpful facts about women and depression, this is a recommended book.