SOCIAL SKILLS QUIZ
(learn more about teaching your teen social skills with James' new book, Teaching Social Skills to your Teen-6 Steps to an Emotionally Intelligent Teenager)
20 yes or no questions to help you decide if your teenager has a social skills problem and if you ought to be concerned. You can use this quiz to figure out how your teen is developing and on what areas he or she needs to work. This comes from James Windell's new book, "6 Steps to an Emotionally Intelligent Teenager"
1. Has my teenager been suspended from school more than once?
2. Has my teenager ever been arrested and charged with a crime?
3. Has my teenager on more than one occasion broken something valuable, punched a hole in the wall, or hurt his/her fist or hand out of anger?
4. Has my teenager been involved in more than one physical fight in the past year?
5. Does my teenager throw angry fits or temper tantrums until I give in?
6. Does my teenager lack goals for the future?
7. Does my teenager avoid planning his time?
8. Does my teenager consistently blame others for his/her problems?
9. Has my teenager been drunk more than once or been high on drugs more than once?
10. Does my teenager engage in the same self-defeating behaviors even though they keep him/her from achieving goals?
11. Does my teenager think others are out to get him/her?
12. Has my teenager ever been physically abusive toward a boyfriend or girlfriend?
13. Does my teenager have difficulty readily identifying his/her emotions as anger, sadness, happiness, or fear?
14. Does my teenager have difficulty readily identifying other people's feelings?
15. Does my teenager have trouble talking about conflicts and probelms?
16. Does my teenager frequently use aggressive methods to solve problems and conflicts?
17. Has my teenager failed to develop ways to talk about or work his/her way out of uncomfortable situations, like disappointment and frustration?
18. Is my teenager too passive?
19. Does my teenager have a history of being bullied or victimized by peers?
20. Does my teenager bully or intimidate peers, friends, or even family members?
If you answered yes to two or less of these questions, the chances are that your teenager only sometimes lacks some of the important social skills and has, therefore, only mild social skill deficits.
If you answered yes to as many as three but no more than five questions, your teen has moderate social skills problems.
If you answered yes to six or more questions, your teen has serious social skills difficulties.
How Much do You Know About ADHS and Ritalin?
Q&A's from James Windell's new book, What You Need to Know about Ritalin. (Read about it on the BOOKS page)
1. How many people use Ritalin every day?
2. How many people have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)?
3. Of the children diagnosed with ADHD, how many are prescribed Ritalin?
4. What is Ritalin?
5. What is ADHD?
6. What are the causes of ADHD?
7. What does not cause ADHD?
8. What is an appropriate asessment of ADHD?
9. What is the best treatment for ADHD?
10. Should Ritalin or other medication be part of the treatment program?
11. How effective is Ritalin?
12. What are side effects of Ritalin?
13. What does rebound mean?
14. What are alternative medications for ADHD?
15. After researching and writing this book, how do you feel about Ritalin as a medication for children with ADHD?
Answers:
1. How many people use Ritalin every day?...Estimates vary, but it is said that about 2 million people use Ritalin every day.
2. How many people have Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD)?...Experts estimate that as many as 12.5 million people have the characteristics of ADHD.
3. Of the children diagnosed with ADHD, how many are prescribed Ritalin?...About 90 percent of children diagnosed will have Ritalin prescribed as a cornerstone in the treatment of their ADHD.
4. What is Ritalin?...Ritalin is the brand name for the drug methylphenidate. Methylphenidate is a short-acting stimulant medication that is prescribed in 5, 10, or 20 milligram tablets and usually begins to have an effect on the individual within a half-hour after ingestion.
5. What is ADHD?...Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder is the most frequently diagnosed behavioral disorder in children. The symptoms in children, adolescents, and adults are primarily inattentiveness, hyperactivity, and impulsivity.
6. What are the causes of ADHD?...The most convincing research so far on the causes of ADHD points to a genetic, not an environmental basis. The research indicates that ADHD may be linked with a gene that regulates the action of norepinephrine and dopamine, chemicals manufactured in the brain and usually referred to as neurotransmitters.
7. What does not cause ADHD?...We are fairly certain that ADHD is not caused by diet, sugar, poor parenting, asthma, inadequate lighting, prolonged labor, complications during delivery, yeast infections, inner-ear infections, or vitamin deficiencies.
8. What is an appropriate asessment of ADHD?...ADHD cannot be diagnosed through a simple test or a short observation. The assessment must be multi-level which will include a series of behavioral and medical assessments. At a minimum, a competent ADHD assessment will include parent and child interviews, a parent rating scale, an educational assessment, a school history, teacher rating scales, a medical evaluation, and a psychological evaluation.
9. What is the best treatment for ADHD?...Most responsible experts recommend a multipronged treatment approach that will consider or include the following: medication, psychotherapy, educational interventions, and supportive interventions.
10. Should Ritalin or other medication be part of the treatment program?...Ritalin or other medicatin should be considered as part of the multipronged treatment approach. Studies indicate that Ritalin is effective with 70 percent of children (and an untold number of adults) with ADHD.
11. How effective is Ritalin?...Even when used alone, Ritalin is effective in decreasing ADHD symptoms in 70 percent of children treated.
12. What are side effects of Ritalin?...All medication have side effects and ritalin and other stimulant medications are no exception. The most common side effects of Ritalin include loss of appetite, insomnia, gastrointestinal disturbance, headaches, increase in heart rate or blood pressure, and rebound.
13. What does rebound mean?...Rebound is associated with Ritalin's rapid exit from the body. It usually happens at the end of the day when the last dose wears off. During this time the child or adolescent may be prone to crying or emotional outbursts. It can be lessened or prevented with a smaller dose of Ritalin at the end of the day or by the use of slow-release Ritalin tablets.
14. What are alternative medications for ADHD?...Alternatives to Ritalin include Adderal, Cylert, Dexedrine, Norpramin, Prozac,Tofranil, Wellbutrin, and Catapres. Each of these medications has their advantages and disadvantages.
15. After researching and writing this book, how do you feel about Ritalin as a medication for children with ADHD?...After reviewing thousands of research articles and talking to many experts and individuals with ADHD, it is our opinion that Ritalin is a safe, effective medication that should be considered in any treatment program for ADHD.
Test Your Wimpitude!
Give yourself a point for each statement that applies to you. Next, add up your points and see how you score.
1. I try to reason with my children when I give out consequences, but they use that as an opportunity for endless arguing - and often win.
2. My children cannot readily answer this question: "What are the rules in this house about clothes left on the floor?"
3. I often feel powerless with my kids.
4. I have to admit I'm uncomfortable when my child is unhappy because he's been deprived of something. After all, I work hard so he can have the things he wants and needs.
5. I can't follow through with a consequence if it makes my child cry.
6. Sometimes I blow up after a problem has gone on too long and give out a punishment that's too harsh. Then I let my children off the restriction before the time is up.
7. My child has such a temper that many times I'll let things slide rather than risk her blowing up at me.
8. My chidlren don't have a lot of responsibilites around the house. I believe that childhood should be fun and carefree.
9. I try to gratify my child's every need. I don't want her growing up thinking I don't love her.
10. I want to be my child's best friend. I'd rather work things out like friends than act like some kind of boss.
SCORING
0-1 point: Your kids know who's in charge - nearly all the time.
2-4 points: You're a relatively firm parent, but you may want to work at being in control more consistently.
5-7 points: Your wimp factor is dangerously high. Sure, kids will balk at first if you strengthen your resolve. But rest assured, they WILL come around.
8-10 points: Your kids are running the whole show. Maybe it's time to demonstrate who's boss. They'll thank you for it - later.
Adapted from Raising a Responsible Child: How Parents Can Avoid Overindulgent Behavior and Nurture Healthy Children, by Elizabeth Ellis, PhD (Birch Lane Press)
A: Are you a wimp because you don't take the same strict position as your husband? Not necessarily. Sometimes children need a parent who's a little more understanding and less by the book. On the other hand, children feel more secure if both parents set clear limits and dole out appropriate consequences when boundaries are violated.
What to do? The best solution lies in trying to arrive at middle ground, as you suggest. Reaching it however, means both parents must be willing to give a little. The first step in reaching that compromise is for you and your husband to define those situations in which you agree to hold to a hard line, and your husband agrees to be a bit more lenient. Chances are if you were firmer in certain situations, he might be willing to ease up in others.
A frank discussion can help you figure out which discipline issues are most important to each of you. Bear in mind, however, that many parents have their own "hot buttons' - and compromise can be difficult in those areas where the buttons get pushed! For example, your husband might feel strongly that homework must be completed at your children's after-school program, before they get home, while you feel the kids need some downtime at the end of the school day. If that's his hot-button issue (for whatever reason), he is less likely to compromise on it. But if you agree to go along with him on this point, it's reasonable to expect him to respect and support an issue important to you - for example, not letting kids eat in the living room or in their rooms.
Agreeing on these bottom-line issues - and then clearly communicating them to your children - should cut down on conflicts with the kids - and between the two of you.
Q: Why is getting my kids to do chores such a battle? I'll ask them to do the dishes, and if I'm lucky the kitchen will be cleaned two hours later (and of course the pots and pans are never done.) Taking out the garbage requires a half-hour negotiation. Should I just tell them to do it or else? I hate to play the heavy, but I'm sick of all the arguments and cajoling.
A: The classic wimpy position is to allow kids to run the show. That is, they complain, they avoid - and you end up feeling like a helpless victim. When you recognize yourself in this situation, call it what it is - being a wimp - and determine to put a stop to it.
To change this particular situation, the first step is to decide that you're sick of the way you and the children are handling it - that will give you the resolve you need to take action and do things differently. Second, plan a strategy for getting the chores done to your satisfaction. To do that, ask yourself a few questions: Do you tell your kids what your expectations are (for example, dishes are to be done immediately after dinner and that includes pots and pans)? Have you pointed out to them the unacceptable manner in which they've cleaned up the kitchen? Do you let them off the hook by finishing up yourself?
These questions will give you an idea of what your strategy needs to involve: clearly and firmly communicating your expectations and then following through if they're not met. If you're used to being a wimp, this can be a tall order. To make it easier on yourself, try reframing the situation. By that I mean instead of seeing yourself as being too hard on your children when you hold them to certain standards, view it as teaching them to be more responsible in general.
TIPS
Now it's time to carry out your strategy. I suggest trying it this way:
1. Tell your children what you expect. ("I expect the kitchen to be cleaned up by 7 pm, and that includes washing, drying and putting away the pots and pans.")
2. Ask them to repeat the instructions so it is clear they understand them.
("Okay, tell me what I want you to do. Fine, now do you have any questions?")
3. Field only a couple of questions. If they start to argue, complain or ask too many questions, end the discussion. ("I think you understand what needs to be done and you're stalling. No more questions.")
Then leave the room and busy yourself; don't hover watching to see how they're doing or to give additional instructions.
4. When the time is up, inspect the results. If they haven't done their part (for instance, a stack of pans remains in the sink), point this out and say "I'm sorry, it looks like the job isn't done yet. Finish the pans and let me know when you're done."
5. If they refuse, don't allow them to do anything fun or interesting (for example, play a video game or watch TV) until the job is completed. If they do an inadequate job (the pans weren't washed well, for example), have them do the job over.
6. When the chore is done completely to your satisfaction, give them praise and attention ("You guys did a terrific job. The kitchen looks great!"). On those days when the kids go the extra mile (perhaps they've cleaned up after a more elaborate-than-usual dinner), you might want to give them extra positive reinforcement - perhaps by allowing them to stay up a half hour later on the weekend or rewarding them with a special treat.
By handling chores in this way, you're not being the heavy and you're not being unreasonable. You're doing your job teaching your children how to handle responsibility - a lesson that will serve them well now and in adulthood.