I found the information in this book very helpful. I have two very small children and it helped me distinguish what is normal for their ages and what is inappropriate behavior. I prefer using non-physical methods of discipline and I am happy to see a book that is focused on this
Reviewer: A reader from Detroit, MI
"Parents who were raised by the book, the Dr. Benjamin Spock book of the 60's, have a new hero to help them raise their children in the 90's: psychotherapist James Windell." - The Oakland Press
"A common sense book which helps parents to teach children the life skill of how to identify and think through a problem instead of avoiding or dismissing it."
- Evelyn Petersen, educator, consultant and author
Tantrums in the toy store. Screaming in the restaurant. Yodeling in church. And, of course, that ready response to every request: "No!" All kids do it sometimes - rebellion is part of a two-decade struggle for independence, says Mr. Windell. But some kids are more negative or defiant than others, usually because of a mix of temperament and the way adults respond to their goading. A psychologist in suburban Detroit whose clients include kids referred by juvenile courts - and the father of a "stubborn, oppositional" son - Mr. Windell teaches a kind of behavioral jujitsu. Parents who keep their cool can shift the weight of annoying behavior back on the kid without lapsing into the threats, belittling and inconsistency that only makes things worse he says. Is the 4-year old driving you nuts with fibs? "To handle exaggeration and lies, join in and tell an even bigger or more nonsensical tale," the mellow Mr. Windell suggests. He splits kids into nine age groups from infancy to 18 to better explain the likely patterns and best responses to difficult behavior.
- Dallas Morning News, Mike Maza
Reviewer: A reader
I found the information in this book very helpful. I have two very small children and it helped me distinguish what is normal for their ages and what is inappropriate behavior. I prefer using non-physical methods of discipline and I am happy to see a book that is focused on this.
Children Who Say No When You Want Them to Say Yes:
How to Deal with Stubborn, Defiant, and Oppositional Youngsters,
from Toddler hood through Teens
by James Windell.
ABOUT THE BOOK...
I don't. I won't. You can't make me. No, no, no!
From the terrible twos through the tumultuous teens, children seem to have a knack for challenging their parents' authority, denying and defying even the most reasonable requests. Frustrated and exasperated, well-meaning Moms and Dads often end up doubting their own abilities, resenting their child, or blowing up in anger. Why do some children have to be so stubborn and make parenting such a battle?
Noted psychotherapist James Windell provides encouraging insight and practical guidance to help parents ease the ongoing clash of wills in this book.
Drawing from his years of practice in family counseling and work with troubled teens, as well as his personal experience with an especially stubborn son, Windell shows parents how to recognize, understand, and cope with a child's normal resistance at every age - from infancy through adolescence. Mr. Windell helps to identify behavior that is considered within the normal range, as well as that which is considered to be extreme. "The desire to be independent and autonomous is a natural part of human growth." Windell emphasizes. "For children to be healthy, well-adjusted adults, it's important that they be allowed to experience this vital part of their development."
In clear, accessible language, Windell distinguishes between age-appropriate obstinacy, the pigheadedness that stems from inborn temperament, and more extreme expressions of defiance aggravated by stressful circumstances - including a parent's harsh or inconsistent approach to discipline. Combining specific advice with enlightening real-life examples, the author shows parents just what type of oppositional behavior to expect as their child matures and how to best handle a range of both common and unusually difficult situations.
With Children Who Say No When You Want Them to Say Yes, parents will discover:
* How to understand each child's natural temperament and tap into the positive strengths of persistence.
* Why coercion, threats, and physical punishment have a negative impact and naturally make a child more resistant and rebellious.
* How to master effective discipline and child management techniques for every age level - from play "no" games with toddlers to using time-outs for misbehavior with four-year-olds; from giving school-age children reasons for rules and choices within limits to learning to stay calm and sidestep arguments with teens.
* When and how to tell children "no" - with empathy and authority.
* How to develop the self-discipline and confidence to respond to children's misbehavior consistently.
Straightforward, sensible, and exceptionally supportive, Children Who Say No When You Want Them to Say Yes is an invaluable guide for any parent whose patience has been pushed to the limit by an obstinate, uncooperative child - and for all with a stake in our children's growth and future.
EXCERPTS
EXCERPT Chapter 1: Stubborn, Defiant, and Persistent Children
"My second son went into the terrible twos and never came out of them," a mother I sat next to at a dinner part said tome.
"From age two on, the only thing we got from Seth was, "No!" He was so different from my other two boys, who were easy to get along with and easy to raise. They usually agreed about most things and would go along with almost anything. But not Seth!"
Ashley's mother had a similar problem. When she brought her twelve-year-old daughter to therapy, she described her as "The Defiant One."
And Ashley herself admitted she did almost anything i her power to defy her mother. "If she wants me to be quiet," explained Ashley, "I won't do it. Why should I? If I'm talking on the phone and she wants to know who it is, I'll lie to her. It's none of her business who I'm stalking to."
Five-year-old Mikey was described by his parents as a stubborn boy. "No matter how many times you tell him not to do something or even punish him," said his father during a parent training class, "he goes right back and does it again. It's like he's trying to spite me. He's just a very stubborn child."
Of all the complaints of parents, one of the most frequent and frustrating involves the difficulties of handling the stubborn, oppositional, or defiant child.
Trying to handle the resistant youngster often leads to a power struggle between a child determined to do things his way and a parent equally determined to make sure the child complies with family rules or parental directives.
In the Chambers family, six-year-old Susan was the cause of considerable consternation for her mother. "I was wonderful to my son, who's now twelve," said Debby Chambers, Susan's mother, "but I'm terrible to Susan."
...In other families such conflicts with stubborn children are played out over eating, bedtime, homework, chores, or rules. And like Debby Chambers, many frustrated parents resort to force, coercion, or physical punishment in an effort to exert their will or to influence their child.
There's nothing like being faced with a three-foot-tall child who folds his arms, squares his jaw, and says, "No!" that enrages parents and tests their own needs for control or domination. Not only do parents who are engaged this kind of battle feel the strong emotions of frustration, anger, and resentment, they usually end up feeling inadequate and guilty for their thoughts, reactions, or loss of control.
EXCERPT Chapter 2: Why Are Children Stubborn?
Why do children have to be so stubborn?
Well, there are a couple of answers. Some children are born that way and others are made to be that way.
But another answer is that children are just human beings trying to deal with life. As a result, sometimes they are oppositional or say no when someone else desperately wants them to say yes; these children are neither born nor made to be stubborn.
Is All Stubbornness or Defiance Abnormal?...
Words That Mean Stubborn...
The Use of Power and Force Makes Stubborn and Defiant Behavior Worse...
Parents Can Handle Stubborn Children Effectively
The message of this book is that there are effective methods of handling the stubborn and resistant youngster. The discipline methods presented here will help parents to avoid that repetitive and futile battle of will and find calm, rational ways to deal with children.
Chapter 6 Understanding and Disciplining the Two-Year Old Toddler
It's time for the terrible twos!
Quick, parents, batten down the hatches. Get ready for mayhem. That sweet infant, that adaptable toddler, now turns two and you know what will happen. She will be transformed into that scourge of parents everywhere: the Terrible Twos Monster!
The Two-Year Old Toddler
Handling the Opposition of the Two-Year Old Toddler...
Avoiding Power Struggles...
Handling Temper Tantrums...
Handling Aggression...
Establishing Rituals...
Dealing with Dawdling...
Using Face-Saving Techniques...
Using Diversions, Distraction, and Termination...
CONTENTS
acknowledgements
introduction
PART I: WHERE STUBBORN CHILDREN COME FROM
Chapter 1: CHILDREN WHO SAY NO WHEN YOU WANT THEM TO SAY YES
Stubborn, Defiant, and Persistent Children
Is All Stubbornness or Defiance Abnormal?
Defining the Types of Stubborn Behavior
The Use of Power and Force Makes Stubborn and Defiant Behavior Worse
Parents Can Handle Stubborn Children Effectively
Chapter 2: Why Are Children Stubborn?
Every Child Goes Through Stubborn Stages
Some Children are Temperamentally Stubborn
Some Children are Made to be Defiant
Harsh Discipline of a Difficult Temperament Creates Opposition
Some Children will be Stubborn when their Needs aren't Met
Family Patterns Common in Young People with Serious Defiant Behavior
Summary
Chapter 3: how to make stubborn children
Parents Who lack the Understanding to Respond Adequately to Children
Parents Who use Ineffective Responses to Noncompliance
The Temperament of Parents as a Complicating Factor
The Role of Stress as a Further Complicating Factor
What Can Parents Do to Avoid fostering Stubbornness?
Summary
PART II: understanding and disciplining children
Chapter 4: understanding and disciplining THE INFANT
The Infant
Handling the Opposition of the Infant
Handling the More Difficult Infant
Summary
Chapter 5: understanding and disciplining THE one-year-old toddler
The One-Year-Old Toddler
Handling the Opposition of the Twelve- to Twenty-Four-Year-Old Toddler
Handling the More Difficult Twelve- to Twenty-Four-Year-Old Toddler
Summary
Chapter 6: understanding and disciplining THE one-year-old toddler
The Two-Year-Old Toddler
Handling the Opposition of the Two-Year-Old Toddler
Handling the More Difficult Two-Year-Old Toddler
Summary
Chapter 7: understanding and disciplining THE Three-Year-Old Child
The Three-Year-Old Child
Handling the Opposition of the Three-Year-Old
Handling the More Difficult Three-Year-Old
Summary
Chapter 8: understanding and disciplining THE Four-Year-Old Child
The Four-Year-Old
Handling the Opposition of the Four-Year-Old
Handling the More Difficult Four-Year-Old
Summary
Chapter 9: understanding and disciplining THE five-Year-Old Child
The Five-Year-Old
Handling the Opposition of the Five-Year-Old
Handling the More Difficult Five-Year-Old
Summary
Chapter 10: understanding and disciplining THE school-age child:
ages six to nine
The School-Age Child
Handling the Opposition of the School-Age Child
Handling the More Difficult Six- to Nine-Year-Old
Summary
Chapter 10: understanding and disciplining THE preadolescent:
ages ten to thirteen
The Preadolescent
Handling the Opposition of the Preadolescent
Handling the More Difficult Preadolescent
Summary
Chapter 12: understanding and disciplining THE adolescent:
ages fourteen to eighteen
The Adolescent
Handling the Opposition of the Adolescent
Handling the More Difficult Adolescent
Summary
Chapter 13: how to tell your child no
Subtitles:
When to Say No
How to Say No
Ten Ways to Say No
Summary
PART III: stubborn behavior in special situations
Chapter 14: the occasionally stubborn youngster
How Situational Stubbornness Arises
How to Avoid a Battle of Wills
Summary
Chapter 15: the stubborn child in the classroom
Teacher Behavior That Promotes Stubbornness
Why Are Kids Stubborn and Oppositional in School?
How Can Parents Handle a Poor Fit Between Teacher and Child?
How to Recognize Adequate Teachers
Summary
Chapter 16: oppositional defiant and conduct disorder adolescents
Adolescents
Oppositional Young People
Treating Young People with Oppositional Defiant Disorders
Treating Adolescents Diagnosed with Conduct Disorder
Factors Associated with Conduct Disorders
Summary
Chapter 17: living with stubborn children
Commit Yourself to Being an Excellent Parent
What Can Society Do?
Summary
Appendix A
Appendix B
For Further Reading